Road to recovery
by LaurielS
Summary: Sets during Star Trek: Into Darkness (spoilers!). Jim Kirk died of radiation poisoning, and McCoy is doing all he can to save his friend. But Jim isn't the only one who needs healing. Features the triumvirate and the crew. Friendship only. Epilogue up. Please read and review!
1. Chapter 1

**Saving Jim Kirk**

Disclaimer: I don't own anything, except my own ideas.

Author's Note: McCoy's role in ST:ID has always bothered me. He's part of the triumvirate, dammit, and he couldn't have been so calm all the while while trying to resurrect Jim. The broken look in his eyes as he saw Jim's body also gave me lots of feels. And so this story was born. Made some changes along the way to fit my ideas better.

(Also come on, Chapel's a nurse on the Enterprise!)

Please read and review!

 **Saving Jim Kirk**

Khan was caught, the tribble was alive, and Leonard McCoy had the recipe for a transfusion that could save the captain's life.

Except that the transfusion was for a tribble, a living thing so alien to humans that there was no way to know if the recipe would work on a human.

McCoy worked on the serum day and night, adding elements which his experience told him would be necessary, as well as some elements which were purely guesswork and based on theory. He worked for three days without much sleep before he was drugged by Chapel, and after he woke from this unnatural sleep he heard that Starfleet had demanded to see both Kirk and himself, but Spock had fended them off by saying that the Captain was gravely injured/poisoned/tortured (McCoy really couldn't care) and McCoy was desperately seeking a cure to save Kirk. Later, when he was trying and failing for the fifth time to 'resurrect' irradiated plates of human cell lines, Starfleet medical had appeared on the bridge's screen and suggested transferring Kirk to a hospital, during which McCoy had appeared on the bridge, haggard and worn, told Starfleet in all politeness that Kirk was too fragile to be moved and walked off the bridge in silence, ignoring the worried looks from those on the bridge.

He didn't care anymore. He had a job to do and he would bloody do it, even if it cost him his life.

Almost a week later, he succeeded in changing the serum to resurrect human cell lines. He would have wanted to try it on more things but realised that Kirk had been in stasis for a week, and there was no promise even in theory that a normal human being could even be resurrected after more than a week in stasis.

They would lose Jim both ways, and there was nothing left to lose.

With that, he instructed the medical team to take Kirk out of stasis and injected the modified serum into Kirk's body, strangely taking strength from Spock's presence. As the last drop entered Kirk's body, he collapsed into the nearby chair and monitored Jim's condition as the rest of the medical team cleared up. He shook off the darkness that was creeping from the corners of his sight and stared resolutely at the prone body on the bed.

All they could do now was wait.

* * *

Christine Chapel was used to a lot of things—you have to, when you work for a highly reckless captain with almost no regard for his life.

She's seen Kirk suffering from random allergy reactions, Kirk being injured in fights and Kirk taking an injury meant for another crewman.

She's seen James Kirk in all forms, but there's always one constant—a southern accent, thick with worry, directing all medical personnel effectively as the steadiest hands on the ship sterilised all equipment, scrubbed up and prepared for surgery.

This time though, as she entered the ICU, she didn't see Dr Leonard McCoy, Enterprise's miracle worker.

She saw a broken man.

The man didn't move from his seat, and there was no indication that he'd heard her as she came in to check Kirk's vitals. She wanted to comfort him, but knew that no words would be salve to his wound.

She placed a hand on his shoulder. He remained still as stone, eyes unseeing.

Together, they watched the far too still body on the medical bed with barely a heartbeat maintained by a pacemaker (a huge improvement already), being kept alive by whatever machines they had in the MedBay. There was silence for a while, until it was broken for the first time in many days with a gruff whisper.

"I wasn't there," the voice was soft and emotionless, totally unlike the McCoy she knew.

"Leonard…" she began, hoping to offer some comfort.

He cut her short. "I was his best friend, but I wasn't there. Spock was there, Scotty was there, Uhura was there, but I…"

McCoy gave a cold laugh.

"I wasn't. I was celebrating that the ship was out of danger."

"You didn't know."

McCoy ignored her and went on. "The Captain was dying, and the CMO wasn't there. The CMO, the captain's BEST FRIEND," he almost spat at those words, "only knew when the captain arrived in a bloody body bag."

"Leonard, stop this. It's not your fault."

McCoy gave a brittle laugh, giving no indication that he heard her. Her heart broke at the scene before her and she wished that there was something she could do. She saw him bury his face in his hands, and for the first time, she saw that his hands were trembling.

She had never seen those hands tremble—even as Kirk carded out on the table in an operation to save his life, those hands remained steady and swift, bringing Kirk back to life. But now, as Leonard McCoy sat next to his best friend who was dead in all medical terms, his hands were trembling.

"Get out," came a muffled voice, clearly struggling to control himself.

She nodded and gave a soothing pat on his shoulders before leaving. For too long had the man kept to himself, channeling all his energy into his work. He needed space to grieve and heal now, and it would not be fair for him if she were to intrude.

As the ICU door closed behind her, she heard a choking sob escape the trembling hands and struggled to contain tears of her own.

 _Oh, James T. Kirk, what have you done?_

* * *

For many days afterwards, McCoy effectively lived in the ICU, monitoring Jim's vitals 24 hours a day, only leaving the ICU for a short shower and an even shorter meal. He listened to Jim's every heartbeat every moment until he could memorise the rhythm, and once Jim began to show some brain activity, he scrutinised every single sign until he could draw the complex but constant pattern out without a moment's hesitation.

When he closed his eyes, however, all he could see was Jim in a body bag. At first, the scene only appeared at the end of a nightmare when he had dozed off, but it soon became so frequent that he couldn't even fall asleep. But clearly he wasn't the only one, as Spock came and sat opposite him every day once the bell chimed to signify the end of the alpha shift, and only left when the bell chimed again to signify the start of the next alpha shift.

"It's not your fault, y'know" he had said to Spock one day over dinner and bourbon just outside the ICU as his trained eyes saw the worrying signs of the Vulcan's health.

"It should have been me, doctor."

"Don't be a fool. Jim would never have allowed that. He's a self sacrificing idiot."

They had clinked glasses after that.

 _We are both broken_ , McCoy had reflected later that day, _broken by this idiot's death._

And that was that, because how could McCoy free Spock of guilt when he felt the same guilt as well?

After that day, things slowly became routine: at 5pm sharp, Spock would appear at the sickbay and greet McCoy with a nod and a curt "doctor". He would then sit down in the opposite chair and ask about the captain's status, to which McCoy would say that nothing has changed. They would then both stare at Jim and argue about trivial things for the sake of normalcy until 9am the next day, when Spock would leave and McCoy would wave him to the door.

However, as each day passed, McCoy became increasingly haunted at the idea of Jim being kept alive solely by machines, of Jim suffering more from being kept alive than being allowed to die and leave this world in peace. At the same time, he was haunted by the possibility that he might be saved if he had just waited.

Just like his father.

Finally, there came a day when McCoy could stand it no longer. He closed his eyes and unplugged the life support machines before he lost all courage, all the while screaming at himself. He did not tell Spock; Spock should not have the burden of Kirk's death on him. Give the burden to someone who has sinned already.

He waited with bated breath to see what Kirk's body would do with the lack of support. When Kirk's brain activity suddenly spiked and he started taking deep breaths, McCoy's heart leapt. He watched Kirk's every change, hopeful that he was getting better and also worried that all this was merely the body's final futile struggle against death.

When Kirk's eyes began to open however, McCoy knew that he had succeeded. He almost cried as he commed the bridge and demanded Spock's presence as coherently as possible. He heard Spock's footsteps within a time period that shouldn't have been physically possible even for a Vulcan and could hardly contain a quip about the Vulcan's emotions. However, as Jim's eyes roved towards him, he wiped his tears away, hid all signs of worry behind the mask of normalcy and snapped,

"Don't be so melodramatic, you were barely dead."

 **-To be continued-**

Reviews and comments are welcomed!


	2. Chapter 2

**Road to recovery**

Previously "Saving Jim Kirk"

Author's note: This is the first part of what was the second chapter after I decided to rewrite it. The plot is pretty much the same, just longer, with more background and hints of what's to come. This has suddenly blown into something much larger that I never expected!

Disclaimer: I don't own anything, except my own ideas. The idea of Code Gold comes from KCS' stories, which are REALLY AWESOME (go read them!)! I've tweaked it a little here.

 **Chapter 2**

As of now, everything was going to plan: Kirk was awake, Kirk was still unaware of the damages that had happened and McCoy would make sure it stayed that way until he was fit enough to receive the news (a warning glare at Spock had made sure he understood the situation), and most importantly, Kirk was alive.

Alive. As in beating heart, functioning brain, alive. As in, not-on-medical-support alive.

McCoy, as he was sure Spock was, couldn't be more pleased and relieved, although that small nagging feeling of not being there when Kirk had died was still there. He tried to ignore the mess of emotion from exhilaration to fear and worry by fussing over Kirk and checking the readings.

"Bones, I'm fine," whined Kirk. _Classic_ , he thought, _whining about being fine just minutes after being revived_.

"Jim, I would suggest you submit to yourself to the doctor's check ups…" said Spock.

"Huh, are we agreeing on something today, Spock?" interjected McCoy.

"… however unnecessary they may seem, seeing as you are clearly lucid and functional."

 _That was better._

"Yeah, tell me that when you get an M.D., Spock."

Jim gave a weak smile, and McCoy was glad for this brief period of normalcy that he thought he would never see again the day Jim had—

 _No,_ he thought, _do not go there._

After ensuring that the readings were back to normal (as normal as one can get after being revived), McCoy left Spock to update Kirk on the crew and went out of the room. As he stepped out, however, the days of stress and anxiety finally caught up with him, and he suddenly felt the room spin. He quickly took a few steps away from the room, out of Spock's and Kirk's line of sight so that they wouldn't notice his change. Hurriedly, he stabilised himself against the wall and took a few deep breaths, willing for the nauseating sensation to pass.

Suddenly, he was aware of another person's presence, but couldn't quite bring himself to focus.

"…Doctor? Are you alright?"

He tried to focus on that voice, hoping that this would stop the room from spinning.

"M'fine," he said, waving the now-identified Nurse Chapel off, "Tired… I just need to… siddown a moment…"

He felt himself being led to his office, but instead of being led to his chair, he was brought to the nearby scanner instead.

"What's this, Chris?" he demanded, albeit without his usual vigour, "I'm fine!"

"With all due respect, _Doctor_ ," came Chapel's reply, calm as she's used to the Just-saved-Jim-again McCoy's snappiness, "you're not far from fainting and…god how are you still alive? You're dehydrated and—you know what, I'll just get a nutrient patch. You know you need it." Before McCoy could protest, she continued, "You would have done the same to any patient who's in the same physiological state you're in."

He sighed and acknowledged the truth, grunting his thanks.

As the nutrient patch slowly took its effect, however, the small alarm on his table suddenly flashed gold.

Code Gold.

 _Long ago, on a calm day, Kirk and McCoy had joked over bourbon that they were probably the only starship in need of a special code dedicated to the health of the captain. Jim had decided to call it Code Gold then, because well, the Captain is the top of the command chain on a starship, as observed by said childish Captain, who then went to have Scotty install an alarm that flashes Gold in the CMO's office, with the alarm wired to a biobed usually reserved for Kirk._

 _"If I could, Bones, everyone would have their own special coloured alarm so that I would know immediately when I've lost a crew member…"_

 _Bones had rolled his eyes to the first suggestion, but his heart clenched at Jim's reason for it. Not all starship captains treated each of their crew members so importantly, and McCoy knew this was what made Kirk stand out from the other captains._

 _"Well, Jim, your alarm will probably end up overriding everyone else's, because of how many times you seem to get into trouble."_

 _"Hey!"_

 _Of course, Kirk had regretted this afterwards because it meant that he wouldn't be able to sneak out of bed without McCoy noticing_

Code. Gold.

 _It never seemed funny ever since._

The captain is in a medical emergency.

Instinctively, McCoy grabbed a hypospray containing stimulants which he kept a supply of in his office. Upon checked its compatibility with his current state, he jabbed it quickly into his arm and darted past Chapel.

For a while, Chapel was confused over the sudden fear she saw in McCoy's eyes. However, as her eyes darted to the small, flashing alarm on his table, she felt her heart go cold.

 _Not again…_

* * *

Spock had been holding a perfectly serious conversation with Kirk when suddenly, Kirk had stiffened.

"Captain? Jim?"

But Kirk had given no inclination that he had heard Spock. Worried, Spock started to approach Kirk, but just as he neared the bed, Kirk started to shake and within seconds, he was convulsing.

 _We don't know what complications there may be…_ Spock could almost hear McCoy's words in his mind.

Without hesitation, Spock dashed out of the room, his worry barely concealed.

* * *

As McCoy entered the room, he saw Spock hurrying out of it, clearly heading for the direction of his office.

"What is it? What happened?!" he demanded hurriedly.

"The Captain started to convulse approximately 1.5 minutes ago, doctor," came the Vulcan's unnervingly calm voice. Whatever words Spock said after was lost as McCoy ran over to Kirk with his tricorder out.

Please let it not be serious…

…but this is Kirk. McCoy almost swore as he saw the result of the scan and ordered an operation room to be prepared immediately.

"What is happening, doctor?" Spock asked, his voice tinging with concern.

"I don't know; he is after all the first human we've ever revived," McCoy almost snapped, his Southern accent thick with worry, "but the tricorder revealed brain haemorrhages and several organ dysfunctions. I'm going to have to scrub myself up. Go make yourself useful somewhere."

With that, McCoy pushed Kirk into the operating theatre and went into the preparation room with the rest of the medical team as Spock went to relay the latest developments to the others.

Once within the operation theatre, McCoy checked all the equipment and drugs quickly, making sure that nothing would trigger an allergic reaction in Jim. Once the nurse called the start of the operation, McCoy took a deep breath and started reading out the symptoms dictated by the biobed. He quickly placed a small device on Kirk's head to see if it could locate the reason and area for haemorrhage. Upon its successful location, he called for a scalpel and started the operation to remove the haematoma and fix the location of haemorrhage.

 _You've done this before, McCoy. You can do this._

But to tell the truth, McCoy wasn't sure if he was fixing the root of the problem; the brain haemorrhage could just be a symptom of something more fundamental, which itself could range from a minor problem to…

Rejection of the serum.

 _Please, no…_

The hand holding the scalpel trembled slightly, and M'Benga gave a soft pat on his arm encouragingly.

Everyone trusted him to do right, but here he was, in the operation theatre, doing an operation in which he could only play by ear. He quickly did what he could for the brain and he didn't think there would be side effects, but the multiple organ dysfunctions were equally problematic. They had run more scans with multiple pieces of equipment, but that only spent time without giving additional information.

He stared down again at Jim's prone form in front of him. With this guy, you never knew what to expect, but McCoy hadn't felt so lost before. He didn't know what the root of the problem was—the multiple organ dysfunctions could be due to a problem with the brain signalling, or perhaps due to the sudden perfusion after being brought out of stasis after a week in his effort to save Kirk, or a thousand other different reasons. There was unfortunately no simple way to identify which was right, and considering that they were in unchartered territories, he knew he needed back up. As such, he quickly ordered for a possible transplantation as he started taking samples of healthy and pathological tissues to send to the transplant and pathology units before he proceeded to analyse the data he had again.

With that, McCoy took his best guess, prayed, and plunged himself in his duty to try to save Kirk again. As memories of the last few days rushed back into his mind and threatened to overwhelm him, he fought to force them back to the depths of his memory and steadied his hands, making each incision with care. He couldn't let the _Enterprise_ crew down. He couldn't let Jim down.

He couldn't let Jim die under his hands.

 _Dammit, Jim, why did you have to go into the warp core?_

 **-To be continued-**

 **Reviews and comments are very much appreciated!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Road to recovery**

Previously "Saving Jim Kirk".

Author's note: This is the second part to what was the second chapter after I rewrote that chapter, thought of another title and suddenly had an idea that might be larger than I can handle. Argh. It's still pretty much the same as content as what was before, just longer with more backstory and hints to what may be to come.

Disclaimer: Don't own anything, except my own ideas.

 **Chapter 3**

About ten hours after he first entered the operation theatre, McCoy exited the operation theatre, utterly exhausted. As expected, he was greeted by a worried alpha bridge crew (Scotty was called away as some valves started to malfunction), who crowded around him immediately as they spotted him.

"He's fine," he answered before anyone said anything. Seeing the relief in everyone's eyes, he continued, "but I don't know the root of the problem, so he'll be in observation again for a few days."

He thought he heard some murmuring, but couldn't quite figure out what whoever it was was saying as the scene started to blur before him. He didn't realise he was wavering slightly and barely realised Sulu grasping his shoulder.

"Doctor," came the Vulcan's unemotional voice, cutting through his clouded mind, "when do you suppose he will be fit to answer a call from Starfleet?"

That question shook away all the weariness he had. Whilst McCoy knew that beneath the calm and collected Vulcan exterior Spock cared very much for the crew, after the emotional roller coaster he had just been through, McCoy was like a time bomb, ready to explode any moment.

And that was the last straw.

"Starfleet?" McCoy almost shouted, "Starfleet? Starfleet can blast it, for all I care! Spock, this man has just GONE THROUGH DEATH, he needs to recover and recuperate. I'm not even sure if he'll ever be the same again given the possible brain damage, and you're asking me when he will be fit to answer Starfleet?"

Spock wisely did not argue with the worn-out, fed-up physician.

"Brain damage?" came Uhura's worried voice, "I thought you said…"

"Yes, Uhura, I believe I may have stopped the damage in time, but I do not know the extent of the damage, if any, until he wakes up," his accent getting thicker with his words.

"Dr McCoy?" piped up young Chekov, _too young to be seeing any deaths from combat_ , McCoy thought, "could we… could we perhaps go and see him?"

McCoy waved them into the room.

"Let me know if anything changes," he said, as he left the room and headed to his office, his step slightly unsteady and four pairs of worried eyes trailing behind him.

* * *

The first sensation that Jim had when he came to was just how very tired he was.

 _What just happened? Am I... dead?_

He tried to move his arms and legs but to no avail. Suddenly, however, he felt the soft pressure in his arm shift to his shoulder, followed by some mumbling he couldn't quite make out. He tried to ignore the voice, but it grew louder and became more insistent.

"Jim. Wake up."

 _That voice... was familiar... When had he heard it before...?_

He racked his brains, trying to conjure up an answer. It was a voice he heard whenever he was in trouble, a voice he heard when he was drunk, and a voice he heard on the shuttlecraft...

 _Bones._

With much effort, he opened his eyes slowly. As his eyes accustomed to the lighting, he found himself face to face with an irate but clearly relieved Chief Medical Officer.

"What…" croaked Jim.

 _McCoy looked like hell: his eyes were red, and the hair was unkempt, which meant that…_

"You had convulsions, and your body decided to give us quite a scare," came McCoy's gruff voice as he ran scans, "I had to save the Captain ONCE AGAIN, you know. My lifespan has probably been cut short by another few years with all your stunts, so it'll be nice if you don't make this trying-to-kill-yourself game a habit."

Jim gratefully accepted the water McCoy now held in front of him and took a few sips.

"Slow down Jim, no one's gonna steal the water."

Jim smiled at that typical Bones comment.

 _"_ _I'm not going to feed you, you brought this hangover onto yourself," Bones had said when he woke up on the sofa, disoriented and with the meanest headache in the world._

 _"_ _Shut up and drink, I'll ration what water we have," he had said, when both of them had gotten lost in a trek after Jim had taken what he thought was a shortcut._

 _"_ _Take a sip, slowly; it'll help you talk," Bones had said when Jim awoke from yet another operation after some battle or something._

 _Always there to get them out of trouble._

"I knew I could trust you," came Jim's barely audible voice as these scenes played in his head.

It took quite some willpower for McCoy not break down then and there. They had come too close to losing him for good—heck, Jim HAD died and McCoy wasn't there, although McCoy was trying not to think about it—and even now, he wasn't sure if Jim was out of the woods yet. This time, yes, the medical team had managed to save him, but what if, just _what if…_

 _I don't know when the time will come when you're too far gone…and there's nothing I can do…_

"I'll comm Sulu—he should be off duty soon," said McCoy, breaking the silence between the two. He turned over and walk towards the comm, trying to discreetly wipe the tears away.

"Sulu? Isn't it beta shift right now? Why would Sulu be on the bridge?"

"Well Captain, since you've insisted on worrying us all, the bridge crew had to reshuffle so that one of them could be with you at all times. Scotty was in a while ago, but had been called away by Starfleet to report on damages and on the secret base he found. Spock was here a moment ago as well, but had to leave to answer a call from Starfleet as the acting captain," McCoy said as he went over to the comm and punched it.

"McCoy to bridge, your Captain is awake."

Indistinct gasps of joy could be heard over the comm. Jim's heart warmed from all that he heard—what had he done to deserve such a dedicated and loyal crew?

"We'll be right over, doctor."

As the comm shut off, McCoy noted a few things down in his PADD and started doing a more thorough scan on Kirk.

"Don't scare us like this again, Jim," he mumbled.

Jim squeezed his hand weakly.

"I'll try not to."

* * *

McCoy could barely sleep or eat the next three days as he waited with bated breath for a possibility that something _wrong_ could happen. He knew a thousand possibilities might happen—Kirk could just flatline for no reason, the brain could haemorrhage again, systemic organ failure could happen if the serum was indeed being rejected—

But nothing happened.

McCoy wished he could say that Jim was lucky, but if he really was, he wouldn't have died in the first place.

Throughout the three days, the crew rotated their shifts, making a point for one of them to stay at Kirk's side. No one had yet told Kirk of the devastation that lay outside, or that the ship was under tremendous repairs, or that more than a quarter of the crew that had started out with them was now either permanently incapacitated or gone. Spock had written condolences and attended ceremonies on behalf of Kirk, who was now widely hailed as a hero for stopping what could potentially have been a larger disaster, but Spock saw clearly (as did McCoy, he was sure) that Jim would one day need to be told.

But McCoy had said that shock was the last thing Jim needed, and so Spock evaded the topic skilfully whenever he could feel their approach. The crew, too, understood McCoy's concern, and had been piling Jim up with jokes or anecdotes or good news about the other crew members.

Now that Jim had woken up and his condition was more stable, McCoy dedicated part of his time city side to help with the injured, which had also taken his mind off worrying himself crazy over Jim, although he remained alert about the alarm he had in his pocket. He couldn't really remember when the last time he had a good sleep was, but as the city was shorthanded on medical personnel, he brushed that off his mind. The crew had tried to convince him to take a break, but he knew he couldn't. Not with so many things to worry about.

At the end of three days, McCoy announced to the crew that Kirk was probably out of the woods, and that things should be fine from now on. Cheers erupted from the group and Scotty somehow managed to produce a bottle of whiskey out of thin air for "celebration purposes".

"Thanks for all the effort, doctor," said Sulu, amidst all the rustle and bustle in the room. Uhura's gratefulness shone from her eyes as they met his, before turning back to Jim again. McCoy gave both of them a smile which took more effort than it should have.

As Sulu was about to give the good doctor a pat on the back, he realised that McCoy's face suddenly went white and his breathing quickened.

"Doctor?" he asked quietly, concerned. He saw Spock too, take a closer step towards them.

Before he could say anything, however, McCoy's eyes rolled up and he collapsed, barely missing the floor thanks to quick reflexes by Sulu and Spock, who had been watching them.

At this sudden turn of events, all alcohol was forgotten and Uhura quickly went to find Nurse Chapel. Jim bolted out of his bed on instinct, almost falling (if not for Scotty's support) as his legs protested from the lack of use.

"Doctor McCoy? Doctor!"

"Bones!"

 **-To be continued-**

Yup, still a cliffy!

 **Reviews and comments are very much appreciated!**


	4. Chapter 4

**Road to recovery**

Author's Note: Sorry for the long wait-I'm really bad at writing these things :( Here's the next chapter!

To Rhirhi: The Enterprise didn't get destroyed in ST:ID! It was USS Vengeance that crashed, although I'm sure USS Enterprise was in dire states as well.

Disclaimer: Don't own anything except for my own ideas.

 **Chapter 4**

Jim Kirk was not a stranger to the constant bleeping of the heart monitor—hell, that has been his constant companion for the last few weeks, and he would be lying if he didn't say that it offered some sort of a comfort throughout the night, because it signified that he was alive and breathing and well.

But it just seemed so wrong… so wrong that the one lying on the bed was Bones and not him. So wrong that the heart monitor was monitoring Bones' heartbeat instead of his. So wrong that it is Jim sitting on the visitor's chair and not McCoy.

What has he put him through? How did he not realise the extent to which he has pushed his friend?

 _When Jim and Leonard met, it seemed almost destined that a friendship would form-they were both at their wits end, pulled into this crazy Starfleet because they had nowhere else to go. And then a_ _t the Academy, as Jim did all his crazy stunts, half fueled by boredom and half by his desire to prove his worth, Leonard was always the one pulling a last minute save, and so it seemed only natural that their friendship blossomed._ _Later, on the ship, Leonard had continued to support his actions, even if they went against Starfleet's wishes, agreeing to play almost any part he could if Jim asked._

 _But their friendship..._

Jim stared at his unconscious friend on the BioBed.

 _Are they really still as close as they used to be?_

Sure, Jim still saw Leonard every week - as officers aboard a starship, they had weekly meetings to discuss whether all the departments are running fine. But apart from that?

How long has it been since they shared a meal together? How long has it been since they sat down together over a couple of beers? How long has it been since he met Bones over anything other than official visits or waking up after a nasty incident in the Sickbay?

Regretfully, he doesn't know.

"Jim..."

"Bones? I'm right here now, wake up?"

But Leonard did not seem to hear him, his mind in a turmoil, unable to escape from his nightmares.

"Jim, why... why didn't you call for me...?"

"Bones wake up, I'm right here,"

"I wasn't there... it's my fault, mine, mine, mine, I could've...could've done something..."

"Bones wake up, I'm here, everything is fine..."

"He's dead... Jim's dead and I can't... I can't..." his seemingly crazed words descended into ramblings and murmurs that Kirk cannot make out. Jim had never seen McCoy like this before; flustered, he punched the call button quickly for a nurse.

Almost immediately, the doors to the ward slid open. At Jim's indication, Chapel gave one look at Leonard, sighed, and keyed in a code for a drug that seemed to quickly subsided whatever nightmares McCoy had had.

"Christine, why-"

"Captain, I assure you he is alright," said Chapel.

"Nurse Chapel," Kirk's voice became harsher, "I don't think what I witnessed counts as 'fine' "

Chapel gave a sad look at her unconscious superior. "If you saw what I saw, Captain, you won't be too surprised," she said, and Jim was surprised to hear a hint of annoyance at the usually composed Head Nurse. As she left, Kirk's fist landed hard on the handrest of his wheelchair.

 _How did it become like this?_

"Captain Kirk?"

Jim swivelled his wheelchair to meet the newcomer, his annoyance quickly turning into confusion as he realised he did not recognise the person standing before him.

"Commander Kerry, sir. Vice head of Starfleet's Medical Division in San Francisco. Good to see you're awake, sir, we have all been worried."

 _Something doesn't click_ , thought Jim instinctively, _something doesn't add up_.

"Can I help you?"

Kerry gazed at McCoy sadly, "I'm here to see Dr. McCoy, sir. He has been a great help townside, and I am here to see him." With that, he started flipping through some records on his PADD.

Townside…?

"Has something happened in San Francisco?"

Kerry stopped short, suddenly tensed. "Nothing much, sir," a lie, and both of them knew. Kerry shuffled his feet awkwardly, "well, I better make a move now, Captain, need to write up a report. I will come back again when Dr McCoy has regained consciousness." With that, Kerry left a package beside the biobed and left the room.

Immediately, Jim left the Sickbay and headed for the Observation Deck.

* * *

When Spock next saw Jim, he was staring out of the window, looking at the repairs being done on the Enterprise, and on the screen showing an update on San Francisco's condition.

Spock knew logically that a human couldn't age ten years within a day, but the Jim he saw was different from the one who had been lying in bed a few days earlier. This Jim has aged dramatically, the haunted look in his eyes reflecting the burden he has been made to carry.

"How many, Spock," Jim asked, and it was then that Spock noticed the red rimmed eyes.

 _He has to know one day, Doctor._

"Captain."

"How long, Spock?"

 _How long have you been planning to keep this from me?_

"It was better for your condition," said Spock, gentler than usual. An excuse, and a poor diversion tactic.

Kirk didn't fall for it.

"It doesn't change the facts!" Jim's voice was weak, but the resolution rang through, "You know it, you're a Vulcan! So how many, Spock? How many lives?"

Vulcans cannot lie. Spock has never felt more regret about this fact.

"One hundred and thirty-seven crew, Captain, of which forty-eight are permanently incapacitated."

One hundred and thirty seven. One hundred and third seven lives.

Jim's fist trembled. He took a deep breath.

"How many civilians, Spock?"

A moment of silence. Kirk had never seen Spock hesitate before.

"Numbers unconfirmed, but death toll currently stands at five thousand, due to USS Vengeance's crash. Death toll was minimised as many buildings had been evacuated when abnormal activity was detected in space," came Spock's logical voice.

Jim swore.

Five thousand civilians.

137 crew.

What has he done?

"It is not your fault, Captain," came Spock's voice, breaking through the turmoil in Jim's mind, "had Admiral Marcus succeeded, the death toll would have been on the scale of millions, possibly involving an intergalactic war."

Jim knew this was true. Yet it doesn't make the deaths easier.

It never does.

 _How many families has he broken up? How many futures has he destroyed?_

"Good to see you're awake, sir," he remembered Kerry saying. But it wasn't fair, was it, that after all these, he, the one who started Khan's pursue, was still alive, when a poor soul who just happened to be at the wrong place at the wrong time had lost his or her life.

It wasn't fair. It wasn't apt. It was ironic.

At that moment, James T Kirk felt very tired.

"I grieve with thee, Jim," said Spock, softly. He stood beside Jim, his hand on his shoulder, hoping to channel some sort of comfort.

They stood like this for some time, Captain and First Officer; as Spock turned to leave, however, a cold hand grabbed his wrist.

"Give me the names, Commander," came Kirk's voice, "I need to do this personally."

* * *

Jim has never liked paper work. Equipment requisition, changes in personnel, weekly reports to the Admiral… he has never liked it.

The one he loathed most, however, was this.

 _Lieutenant Leslie Corin_ , he wrote and stopped, his hands trembling.

Leslie. An engineer, a few years younger than him. Kirk had always felt she had a bright future ahead, but now…

 _A very astute young woman, with great potential_ , he wrote, before stopping again. He looked at McCoy's unconscious form.

"If only you're awake, Bones, you would have known how to write this."

McCoy didn't answer.

"Spock misses you, you know," continued Jim, "He will never admit it, but he misses the verbal sparring both of you have over breakfast."

Jim can almost hear McCoy's sarcastic retort about how Vulcans don't have feelings and gave a sad chuckle.

 _But this isn't all you wanted to tell Bones about._

"I saw the recording of the ICU, Bones," he found himself blurting out, "I'm so sorry for everything. I'm sorry you weren't there. I'm sorry I took you for granted for so long, I'm so sorry…"

"Don't be sorry, you idiot," came a muffled, rough voice.

Jim startled and looked at McCoy, red rimmed eyes meeting brown ones. McCoy gave him a small smile which Jim tried to mirror as he wiped his tears away.

"Thanks for everything, Bones."

 **-To be continued-**

Reviews and comments are very much appreciated!


	5. Chapter 5

**Road to recovery**

Author's Note: I TRIED. I REALLY DID. But I can't write accents. Argh. And sorry for the long wait-as I said, I can't really write these stuff well.

Thanks for the reviews-keep them rollin'!

Disclaimer: Don't own anything except my own ideas.

 **Chapter 5**

One good thing about being the captain of a starship was that you get the security clearance to do whatever nonsense you wanted. For example, you could change the computing commands such that you could not be tracked via the starship tracking system. You could also wipe off all details of where you had been and which rooms you had entered, making it impossible to trace your footsteps.

And so when Kirk entered the Engineering Deck, no one had any idea about it except the resident Chief Engineer.

"Captain! How might I help ye?" said the Scotsman, who was currently peeking out near one of the pipes and looking at the newcomer intently.

"Just looking around, Scotty. Carry on with your repairs," said Jim, with an air of innocence.

That innocence which Kirk only displayed when trying to convince someone that he wasn't lying. Coupled with the fact that a couple of people from Security had called at the Engineering Deck a few moments ago...

Scotty narrowed his eyes.

"Does Mister Spock or Doctor McCoy know, Captain?"

Jim shrugged.

"I need some time to myself, Scotty. The engines… provide some comfort. Sort of."

Scotty's eyes softened and nodded. There was silence as Scotty finished up the crucial repairs, leaving Kirk to immerse himself in the hum of the engines, which he was grateful for. Jim closed his eyes and listened to the swishing sounds of the Enterprise's pipes, the low hums of the core engine, and the whirring of the warp core.

 _The warp core..._

"Aye Captain. Everything does seem like a dream," came Scotty's voice, as he settled beside Kirk's wheelchair.

"Nightmare, really," murmured Kirk, his eyes opening.

"Aye. 'Twas a nightmare for all of us."

 _Just as McCoy would never have forgiven himself if Kirk died under his hands, a part of Scotty couldn't believe that Kirk had died in the warp core, in his domain._

"Some never lived to wake up from it."

"It ain't yer fault, Captain."

"But maybe, maybe if I hadn't been so reckless, if I hadn't fallen into Marcus' trap, it wouldn't have…"

"Jim."

Kirk's eyes roved from the floor to the Scotsman.

"Yer canna have known Marcus was like that. He was an Admiral! Even Starfleet dinna know his true colours."

"But I… I should have… listened… Spock, you…"

"Yer aint a god, Kirk. Ye canna have known everything. Yer were stressed out and distraught by Pike's death. Yer made yer choice from what yer knew then, and that's enough."

"Yeah, and it took over five thousand deaths for me to learn my lesson. All because I was rash, stupid and—"Kirk took aim at a nearby wall but miscalculated his strength, nearly losing his balance if Scotty hadn't steadied him. "I should have died, along with them. I'm only alive because I'm the Captain of a starship, not some lowly officer who was in a building when Vengence crashed."

"Is this what it is, Captain? Guilt from those who died?" at this, Kirk, averted Scotty's eyes, "Have yer considered what happened if yer had declined the mission? Marcus would probably have found some way to get rid of us, and there would probably have been a war because someone else less capable would have been given the mission. Ah'm not sayin' what yer did was right, Captain," said Scotty, as Kirk started interrupting, "but yer did what yer had to. If yer dinna avenge Admiral Pike, yer wouldn't be the Captain we all respect."

"Sir, we canna predict the future. We can only do what's best for our conscience with what we knew then. And yer saved us in the end, Captain. Yer prevented an intergalactic war, and yer saved as many of the Enterprise crew as you could. Yer chose us over yer own life, Jim."

 _Watching your death was the hardest for us... any of us would have rather it was us than you, Captain._

"Don't, Scotty. I'm not that great."

"Really, Captain? Any one of us could have gone in, but yer sped in before we could. What happened to no no-win scenarios, Jim? All of us are waitin' to get our Captain back."

Jim looked up at Scotty, who was looking back at him seriously. He turned around and saw that a few of the engineering crew had gathered, and was watching both of them intently. Then, one of them stepped forward and grasped Kirk's hand.

"Thank you for saving us, Captain."

More followed.

"We would have died if not for you."

"We have been so worried—thank goodness Doctor McCoy managed to save you."

"Yeah, the Enterprise wouldn't be the same without you."

"T—thanks, everyone, I…" Kirk whispered, overwhelmed.

 _If I don't perk up soon... I will be letting all of them down._ _They depend on me to do right. And I will. I will be more careful now._

What had he done to deserve such a supportive crew?

"Ready for me to inform Mister Spock, Captain?" asked Scotty, smirking.

Kirk laughed.

"Yes, Scotty."

* * *

Spock was having a bad day. If he had an un-Vulcan scale of how bad the day was, it was probably a 9.582, out of 10. He had gotten a frantic call from Medical almost an hour ago, during which Nurse Chapel had informed him that "the irresponsible captain (sic)" had gone missing, and McCoy had worked himself to a near frantic mode. Spock himself had the sudden sense of fear then, before pushing the fear aside and coming up with a plan to find the captain. He had typed in multiple commands that would have worked if the captain was anyone but Jim, and had even sent Security to look for him, but evidently, Jim knew the ship so well that he managed to evade them even when he was on a wheelchair.

"Computer, list down all places accessible to wheelchairs, starting from the lowest levels."

"Places Accessible. Engineering Deck. Rooms 001, 002, 003 …"

Oh, it was not too surprising that the Captain escaped from Medical, which, as Spock observed, happened on an almost monthly basis. Instead, what was worrying was that they had checked the places where he would usually hide: the Hologram rooms, the Observation Deck, his hideout in Botany bay... but all had turned up negative. To make things worse, McCoy, after two days of resting, was now almost literally breathing down Spock's neck as he bent over to see the code which Spock was typing into the computer.

A few results turned up.

"Found him?" came McCoy's voice, worry barely concealed. Spock could not blame him though-the doctor's nerves have been sorely tested these few days, and even the human side of him was struggling to control his emotions.

"Negative, Doctor. I was merely typing in a simulation code to see which rooms the Captain may be in. Unfortunately, the Captain seemed to have wiped away every small detail of his whereabouts, making this simulation unreliable."

McCoy ran his fingers through his hair, frustrated. "I knew we should have blocked his security access. He couldn't have been alright after such a disaster. Now you see why I didn't want to tell him earlier?"

"The Captain does have a habit of needing space after such an event, doctor. Perhaps it would be wise to find him only when he wishes to."

"But he could be in trouble this very instant! He's still not yet strong enough, he hasn't regained his balance, he is still…"

"Doctor, I…"

The communicator beeped, interrupting them.

"Bridge."

"Mister Spock, Captain Kirk is at the Engineering Deck. He is now proceeding back to the MedBay with a few engineers. Oh, and he would also like to assure the doctor that he is absolutely fine."

McCoy mumbled something under his breath that sounded suspiciously like a swear word.

"Thank you, Mister Scott. Spock out."

"Fine, my ass," scoffed McCoy, as he staggered towards the turbolift. Spock did not miss McCoy's hand resting on any passing table to support himself. "Two days after I wake up and the Captain pulls this stunt."

Spock gave Sulu a look, who nodded and took over the chair.

"Perhaps I will accompany you, doctor. I too, have some things to discuss with the Captain."

"I am not weak, Spock, I can reach the MedBay on my own."

"Perhaps, doctor," came Spock's voice, as they entered the turbolift, "but it is only logical for the first officer to ensure the well-being of all the officers."

The doctor grinned tiredly. "You are such a mother hen for someone with no emotions, Spock."

"Mother hen, doctor?"

Sniggers could be heard from the bridge as the turbolift doors slid shut.

 **-To be continued-**

Reviews and Comments are welcomed!


	6. Chapter 6

**Road to recovery**

Author's Note: Thanks Vana Valie and an anonymous reviewer for reviewing the last chapter; I really appreciated it! This chapter is heavier on the dialogue side because I think they have a lot of things to iron out before things are okay again. Not too good at dragging things out, so I've condensed everything into this chapter. Spock's showing a bit more emotion in this chapter, but hey, this is his two best friends we're talking about, and he's strained from the past few days. But yeah, hopefully it doesn't sound too out of character! Either way please leave a review and let me know :)

Disclaimer: Don't own anything.

 **Chapter 6**

"… and that was when Scotty and I reappeared on the Enterprise! Transwarp beaming, there and then—"

Kirk's voice stopped abruptly as the engineers suddenly quietened down.

"Spock. Bones," acknowledge Kirk. The engineers looked at each other and decided they still valued their life and took their leave immediately. Kirk smiled weakly as he saw them leave.

 _Cowards_ (although he was also slightly quivering with fear).

Tense silence descended between the three.

"Bones, I…"

"Save it, Jim. Just go in," McCoy said tiredly. Without looking to see if Jim followed, McCoy entered the MedBay, his hand on the wall. Jim threw a pleading look at Spock, whose face remained impassive, and Jim knew that he won't be receiving any help from him.

"Geoff, check the Captain out. I'm going to take a rest."

"Bones, I—"

"Later, Jim."

With that, McCoy left the two of them and entered his office.

* * *

"I screwed up, didn't I?"

"That was indeed not the wisest thing to do, Captain."

"I didn't think—"

"Evidently, Captain," came Spock's dry response.

"Look Spock, I was just so cooped up in here, with all the physio therapy and the nurses and doctors watching me like a hawk. I needed space to think and breathe, so I did what I had to…"

"You could have at least informed Dr McCoy of your whereabouts."

"But I wanted to be by myself! A couple of minutes, no more, to think and to digest what had happened. Not to be constantly hounded by an overly worried doctor!"

Once the words were out, however, Jim felt a tinge of remorse.

 _Bones doesn't deserve this._

Silence.

"Jim, do you know what happened after you died?"

"I saw the ICU recordings, so yes, I do."

"But those started only after your condition was stabilised. Did you know what happened during the period between your death and your transfer to the ICU?"

"I imagine everyone was devastated."

"More than that, Captain," came Spock's voice, and Kirk was startled to see what appeared to be tears in Spock's eyes. But it was gone the moment it appeared, and Kirk couldn't be sure if his eyes were merely playing tricks with him.

"From the time we captured Khan and collected his blood, Doctor McCoy worked without rest to synthesise a serum that could be used. Nurse Chapel only managed to convince him to get some rest by drugging him. But once the drug wore off, he was in the lab again, researching on the serum."

Kirk felt slightly sick.

"No rest, Jim. He worked day and night, trying to get something to work within a week, because that was the period of time which most research papers showed a living organism could still be revived. During the last day, when he was looking at the second last batch of his experiments, I saw something I never thought I would see.

Kirk did not need to ask what it was to know what it must have been.

"Lost, Captain. His eyes were totally devoid of hope. I could see that he berated himself for not being able to think better and to think of a way to change the serum. I saw it, but there was nothing I could do because I, too, wished the same.

"Captain, I saw you die in front of my eyes. I did not dare to call for Doctor McCoy because I thought I knew what it would do to him. But I had not think of how he would feel if he did not get to say his final goodbyes.

"He was devastated, Jim. Since then, I have only seen him push himself harder and harder, until the day he collapsed. And then you disappeared. I am not human, yet I understood his worry. What about you, Captain?"

 _What about me…_

 _I told him I was sorry, but was I truly sorry?_

"I need to speak to him," with that, Jim left the room to find McCoy, with Spock trailing behind him.

* * *

Jim didn't know where he found the strength to knock on McCoy's door (perhaps Spock's presence had something to do with it, he later reflected), but he did knock, although the room's occupant did not immediately answer.

"Come in."

Jim looked at Spock, whose face was passive as ever, then took a deep breath and turned the doorknob.

"Hey Bones," he called, trying to sound casual. He did not miss the glass of bourbon by the computer terminal.

"Jim," came the reply, and there was nothing more.

Silence again.

"Hey Bones, I'm sorry."

"Are you though?" he huffed, and downed the glass within seconds, before filling it up again.

"I didn't think, alright? I just thought of getting away, of having some time to myself to think things through."

"Look Jim," Bones sighed, "I'm not annoyed that you went to Engineering. But could you please, PLEASE, just let me know where you're goin' so that I don't need to worry about which room you could be in or where in the Jeffries tube you might be?"

"I don't think you'll allow me to leave if I told you."

"I dunno, Jim, you're talkin' about someone who was just revived a few weeks ago. Of course you shouldn't be wanderin' about! You think I like coopin' you up here? Do you know how scared I was? How terrified that I might suddenly accidentally find you unconscious in some godforsaken place in this tin can?!"

"Bones, I am sorry."

"In a pig's eye you are," he muttered, and then down the glass again. He reached for the bottle but was stopped by Jim.

"Bones, look. I am truly truly sorry for what I did. Spock… Spock told me everything. I didn't know, alright?"

"Didn't know we were worried?" Bones commented sarcastically.

"I didn't know what happened. I thought you all had all the time in the world to make sure it worked before trying it on me. I guess that's why… that's why I didn't make much of it. I didn't think that the situation was so dire—"

"Really, Jim."

"I was confused, alright? So many things going on, I just—just…" Jim sighed and deflated. "I am sorry. I promise I'll stay in the MedBay for the next few days. I… I am really sorry," he finished off, willing McCoy to meet his eyes.

"You'd better," came the grudging reply. As Bones swiveled his chair to keep the alcohol, Jim went around the table and engulfed Bones in a hug.

"Thanks, Bones. And I truly am sorry."

"Idiot," came the muffled, slightly hoarse voice, trembling as McCoy fought to hold back the tears in his eyes.

It was a futile attempt.

 **-To be continued-**


	7. Epilogue

**Road to recovery**

Author's note: Aaand here we go, the final bit! 10k words gosh I've never crossed into the 5 digit range before (okay I'm cheating a little the 10k words probably includes my ramblings too haha). I hope you've enjoyed reading this story as much as I have writing this!

A big thank you to the following reviewers: Vana Valie, elektrum, Kaedn Miles, fireicewriter42, TheMasterofFanfic555, DarkRed101, DancingInTheDark85, TK2013, Rhirhi, mi guard, Hanabatake, MelliaBee, Whovianeverlark17, and the anonymous reviewers. And of course, not forgetting those who favorited/ followed my story!

Disclaimer: Don't own anything!

 **Epilogue**

 _A few months later._

"Dress uniforms," grumbled McCoy, "I don't know how much longer I'm going to be able to withstand this."

"We haven't even started, Bones," replied Jim as he fixed his cap.

 _It's been a year since everything happened. A year of patching up friendships, physiotherapy and coming to terms with what happened._

 _He's ready again._

"You sure you're up for this?" asked McCoy, looking at Jim seriously. Spock was apparently siding with McCoy on this one, because he surreptitiously blocked the only exit available for Jim.

Jim mentally notes to himself that he needs to talk to Spock about ganging up with McCoy against him.

"Oh come on, Bones, it's merely a ceremony. It's not something I haven't done before."

 _I want this. I want to be present to receive the Enterprise personally. To be Captain again._

McCoy relented.

"Alright. But you're not allowed to push yourself, you hear me? Anything wrong, you raise your hand and I'll be there. I've spoken to the ceremonial officers already, I'm attending as your officer, but I'm also registered as your primary physician, so I'll be..."

"Oh relax, Bones! Here, have some bourbon," said Jim, as he mysteriously produced a bottle out of thin air... which was then snatched by McCoy.

"You're not allowed to have any. That's for me and my frayed nerves. No small thanks to you and your Vulcan shadow."

"Doctor, I am not a shadow."

"Yeah you're not. You follow Jim tighter than a shadow would."

Spock gave McCoy one of his you-illogical-humans look.

Jim laughed.

* * *

"Captain Kirk, please."

He stepped on the stage and saw them: his comrades, his friends, his buddies.

His family.

McCoy. Spock. Uhura. Scotty. Sulu. Chekov.

Together, the seven of them have braced the impossible, succeeded where others would have failed. He couldn't have done it without any one of them, and he's not going to leave any one of them behind in the next five year mission.

Jim took his place on the podium.

"There will always be those who mean to do us harm. To stop them, we risk awakening the same evil within ourselves."

 _Vulcan was destroyed by a vengeful Nero... but to militarise and defend the Federation, Marcus revived and used Khan to start a war, becoming the very villain he sought to defend the Federation against._

"Our first instinct is to seek revenge when those we love are taken from us."

 _He had started this for Pike, plunged into this whirlpool without thinking, determined to catch Khan despite Scotty's and Spock's clear reservations._

"But that's not who we are. We are here today to rechristen the USS Enterprise, and to honour those who lost their lives nearly one year ago."

 _I will never again forget the lives I carry on my shoulders._

"When Christopher Pike first gave me his ship he had me recite the Captain's Oath, words I didn't appreciate at the time. Now I see them as a call for us to remember who we once were, and who we must be again."

 _We are not military. We rule with compassion, not with strength. We make contact with new civilisations, to build friendships, to promote equality for all._

"And those words?"

"Space, the final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise. Her five year mission, to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new civilizations, to boldly go where no one has gone before."

 _To the next five years, with the Federation's greatest ship and the best crew in the entire galaxy._

 **-The End-**

P.S. I must say, I never understood that Captain's Oath thing-shouldn't it be more general than just about the Enterprise? So I attempted to explain things a little, and I hope it worked out!

Reviews and comments are, as usual, very much appreciated.


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